Are you noticing worrisome behavior? Clinginess?
Kids have emotional needs, that when they are met, there is dramatic change in their behavior.
Even discipline does not seem to work for any child unless their love language is met.
Love is the foundation!
Nothing works well if the child’s love needs are not met!
The child who feels genuinely cared for, can and many times will do their best!
You can truly love your child, but unless she feels it, unless you speak the love language that communicates to her love, she will not feel love.
By speaking your child’s love language you can fill his emotional tank.
When your child feels loved, he is easier to discipline and train, then when his emotional tank is running near empty.
Every child has an emotional tank a place of emotional strength that can fuel him through challenging days of childhood or adolescence.
We must fill their emotional tanks with "unconditional" love so they can operate as they should and reach their potential.
It is necessary to discipline our children, but only after their emotional tanks are filled and refilled.
Only unconditional love can prevent problems, such as resentment, feeling unloved, guilt, fear and insecurity.
It’s not that parents don’t love their kids; it’s that they don’t make their kids "FEEL" loved.
Few know adequately how to convey that feeling! (list of the 5 below)
Raising emotionally healthy children is a great task these days. No child can receive "too much" unconditional love. It is impossible for parents to give too much of it.
REMEMBER, they are children! They will act like children! Show patience for them as they mature to grow. Your children will sense how you feel about them, but how you act towards them.
If your child is under age 4, speak ALL 5 love languages, tender touch, supporting words, quality time, gifts and acts of service.
If your child genuinely feels loved, he will learn and respond better in other areas. This love interfaces with all the other needs your child has.
When you find discover your child’s primary language, don’t assume everything in his life will be problem free. There will still be set backs and misunderstandings.
Your child like a flower will benefit from your love.
When the water of love is given, your child will bloom and bless the world with beauty. Without that love, she will be wilted flower begging for water.
LOVE LANGUAGE #1 “PHYSICAL TOUCH”
Physical touch is one of loves strongest voices!
Our children need lots of touch in the first years of their life. Even an infant can tell the difference between a gentle, harsh or an irritated touch.
Children need many meaningful touches throughout the day. Boys and girls alike need gentle-touch through childhood and adolescence.
Although Boys between ages 7-9 go through a phase of resisting affectionate touch, they tend to respond more to vigorous touch such as wrestling, high fives, bear hugs, etc.. Girls normally don’t go through affectionate resistance.
A home should be a haven.
A favorite kind of physical touch is important when your child is sick, hurt, tired or when something funny or sad is taking place.
Hold a small child while reading a story. It becomes a lifelong memory for the child.
Treat boys and girls in the same way!
Girls with strong and healthy self-esteem can stand better with negative peer pressure and are able to hold on to the moral standards that are taught at home and are better equipped.
Most who are doing well, have fathers who are doing well in keeping the kids emotional tanks full. (If the girl does not have a father present in the home, she may find a good father substitute in a grandfather, uncle). There are many fatherless girls who grow up to be healthy women in every way.
It is sad but true that not all touch is loving; such as inappropriate touch.
Disciplining such a child:
After disciplining, give your child a hug to show them that the discipline was based on the wrongful choices, but that you still love and cherish them as your child.
If your child primary love language is touch, it hurts them even more to be disciplined in that manner.
·
"I know my mommy loves me because she hugs me all the time". ·
Boy: “I know my parents love me because my dad is always bumping me when he's leaving. ·
I wish my mommy would hug me like daddy does."
Ideas you can do:
- Give each other high fives
-Snuggle closely together when watching television.
-Purchase a touch oriented toy such as a blanket, bear.
-Play games or a sport together.
-Have tickle fights
- Hold hands during family prayer.
-When your child is sick or not feeling good, hold them and wipe their face with a damp cloth.
-Random light touch on arm, back or shoulders.
LOVE LANGUAGE #2 “WORDS OF AFFIRMATION”
In communicating love, words are powerful, words of affection endearment, words of praise and encouragement words that give positive guidance they all say "I care about you". Such words are like gentle warm rain on the soul of our children.
Words can be quickly said, but not soon forgotten.
We want to make sure a word of praise is true and justified.
Kids know when praise is given by reason or just to make them feel good.
Some kids become so accustomed to such praise that they come to expect it. If such praise is not given, they assume something is wrong with them and they become anxious.
By our words we either encourage or discourage our kids.
"I saw how you shared the toys with ..., I am so proud of you for sharing"
"Today I saw after the game how you listened out to Tommy, I am very proud you gave him your attention”.
The greatest way to discouraging our children is anger! The more anger the parent harbors, the more anger they will dump on the children. The result will be that the child will be anti-authority and anti-parent.
The volume of a parent’s voice has great influence to the child’s reaction to what the parent is saying.
Commanding vs. Requesting:
"Pick up the garbage now!” OR “Would you please pick up this garbage?”
The goal is to catch your child doing something good. Yes it takes more effort!
Ask yourself, is my child receiving positive and loving guidance?
"My parents are yelling and screaming, and then yelling at us not to yell"!
Parents who offer words of loving guidance will be looking closely to the interests and abilities of their children and be giving them positive reinforcement. These childrens academic pursuits are high and they learn to know the simple rules of etiquette.
Rather than condemning your child’s teen friends for making wrong choices, instead take a loving approach that raises a concern for his friends.
(You can show your child the accounts of accidents and deaths that involve drugs and alcohol and share how painful it is for you to think of such devastation for people and their families. When your child hears your loving concerning about their friends, he is far more willing to identify with you, then condemning words for those who do such things.)
When your child’s primary loves language is Words of affirmation, your words of “I love you" should stand alone without conditional, following statements.
For children whose primary language is words of affirmation, nothing is more important for their sense of feeling loved, then to hear parents or adults verbally affirming them.
Words of condemnation will hurt them very deeply! Critical words are detrimental to all children. But those who’s primary language is words of affirmation, they can replay those words in their minds for many years.
It is essential for parents to apologize for negative, critical words or harsh remarks.
Ideas you can do:
-When your child is feeling down, share 5 reasons why you are so proud of them .
-Make it a habit to say "I love you" whenever you tuck in your child.
-Place their art work in areas they know that are important to you (refrigerator, office, scrapbook).
-Leave a note where your child will see, saying "I love you".
-When a child makes a mistake trying to do something helpful, first use words to recognize that you noticed their intention, before correcting.
LOVE LANGUAGE #3 “QUALITY TIME”
How these children talk:
"I know my folks love me because they do things with me". We go fishing togethe, even though I dot like fishing too much.”
"I know my dad loves me because he spends time with me."
"I know my mom loves me because she comes to my soccer games and we go eat afterwards."
"I know my parents love me because I know they will always be there for me and discuss anything with me".
This child will go to any length to get some attention; even negative attention seems to still be good attention for this child.
It’s easier to give touch and words of affirmation rather than quality time, because we are all so busy!
It may mean that we have to give up something else. They often need our attention when we are exhausted, rushed, etc..
Quality time is a parent’s gift to their child. It gives them the message, "you are important”. It makes the child feel that he is the most important person in the world for their parent. It is focused, undivided attention. He feels truly loved, because he has his parent all to himself.
The key to quality time is found in the values and priorities the parents choose to cherish and implement at home.
It takes real effort to carve out special time for each child.
Quality time should include positive eye contact.
Looking at your child’s eyes with care is a powerful way to convey love to the heart of your child.
Most parents use eye contact in negative ways and only giving loving looks when the child is pleasing. This can get you in a trap of conditional love. You want to give your child more unconditional love to keep their tank full.
Don’t let your demonstration of love towards your child be controlled by if he is pleasing you in the moment.
Quality time not only means doing things together with your child, but knowing your child better.
As you spend more time with your child, you will find that natural result in having a conversation about everything evolving in your and their lives.
Quality conversations, is when father/mother can reveal some of their own history, discuss moral and spiritual issues.
This will teach them how to build friendships, learning more from your conversation with them.
Children never outgrow a need to have a conversation with their parents.
For young children, it might be best at bed time because there are fewer distractions there. They are listening well and this make for a better conversation.
After reading them a story, ask them who their favorite character is and what they thought about the story.
This will go into teenage years, where they will also feel comfortable discussing more things with you.
WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR CHILDREN, WILL MATTER FOREVER!!!
When the children grow up, you need to plan family quality time, or it simply won’t happen.
The more refreshed you are, the more you are able to give to your family.
Without insufficient amount of quality time and focused attention, your child will experience annoying uneasiness that his parents do not love him.
When you are spending time with your children, you are creating memories that will last a lifetime. They will be happy and uplifting when their emotional tanks are full.
Ideas you can do:
-Instead of waiting for all your chores to be done, spend time with your kids, include them in your daily activities. Ex: Grocery shopping or yard work together. The time together will make up for the inconvenience.
-Stop what you are doing and make eye contact with your child as they are telling you something important.
-Find silly things to laugh about and laugh a lot.
- Turn off your favorite show and turn on your child’s favorite show.
-Ask very specific questions to your child about their day, without a yes or no reply.
-When taking your kids to a park, actually play with them and not just watch them. Ex: Pushing your daughter on the swing or riding your daughter on a slide, creates long life memories and communicates love.
-Instead of screen time, focus on art, or finger painting.
-Set a specific date time with your children on your calendar and don’t let other things take their place.
-Take your child to your work place and introduce them to your colleagues.
-Take family walks or bike rides.
- Share more meals together as a family.
-Family prayer can also strengthen the relationship.
LOVE LANGUAGE #4”GIFTS”
How these kids answer when asked, how do you know your parents love you?
"Come to my room and I’ll show you, she pointed to a large teddy bear and said, they brought it for me from CA. Then she touched the next toy and said, "they bought me this when I went to first grade", she continued to point around her room and telling when and where she received each toy.
The most meaningful gifts are symbols of love.
For parents to truly speak language #4, the child must feel that his parents genuinely care.
For this language, other languages should be given along with this language.
The child’s emotional love tank must be filled in order for the gift to express heart felt. This means the parents will use a combination of physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time and service to keep the love tank full.
Not all kids will react as happy to receive a gift, IF it is not their love language, it will not mean as much to them as to a child who’s primary love language is gifts.
When a parent gives a child a gift for cleaning the room, it is not considered a gift, but payment for services rendered.
A child who does not feel truly loved, can misinterpret it to being conditionally given a gift, as a bribe for something.
An example of a child showing their pain openly shows their feelings in indirect ways, such as disposing or ignoring gifts. This child is in need of filling of a tank.
Some parents resort to presents rather than being present. A gift seems easier then emotional involvement. Not having the time, patience or knowledge to give their children what they genuinely need.
Abusive gift giving can occur when a child lives with a custodian parent, following a separation or divorce. The non-custodian parent is often tempted to shower the child with gifts, perhaps from the pain or guilt of the separation. When these gifts are expensive and are used in comparison of the custodian’s parent, they are the form of bribery and an attempt to buy the child’s love.
Children receiving such ill-advised gifts may eventually see them for what they are, but eventually can become very materialistic when they see that parents substitute real love for gifts.
This kind of substitution can make the child learn to manipulate peoples feelings and behavior by giving gifts. It can have a tragic outcome for the child’s character and integrity.
Carefully choose gifts that are meaningful more than impressive. It is wise to select a gift that your child truly wants.
Gifts should be genuine expressions of love. Not payment for services rendered or bribes!
Some kid’s don’t react with enthusiasm when they are little, but that can change when they grow up.
Those kids whose primary love language is receiving gifts, most children respond positively to gifts.
They would also like the present to be wrapped or given in a special way.
They will do an aww as they open the gift because it’s such a big deal to them.
They feel very special as they open the present.
And they want your undivided attention as they do so.
For them this is loves loudest voice, as an extension of you and they want to share this moment with you!
They don’t care if it was made, or bought. It’s that you thought of them.
Ideas you can do:
Keep a small collection of small gifts at hand. When you feel there is a need give them one.
-Select presents that interest your child.
-Carry snacks or small candies to give out.
-When you’re away from home, mail a package to your child with their name on it.
-Be on a lookout for your child’s personalized name on something.
-You can wrap their uniform or any necessity and have them unwrap it at dinner.
-Give your child a song that that reminds you of them.
-Interesting rocks or finds.
-Consider a gift that last!
LOVE LANGUAGE #5 “ACTS OF SERVICE”
How these children talk:
"I know my mommy loves me, because she helps me."
"I know my mommy loves me because when I’m sick, she takes me to the doctor."
"She fixes my favorite soup"
"I think my dad loves me, but he doesn’t do much to help"
“I know my parents love me because they do so many things for me"
Ask yourself, who do I serve?
As parents we serve our children primarily not to please them, but to do what is best.
Don’t use your serving to manipulate them.
Children with full love tanks are more likely to pick up on acts of service.
You should do for your children what they cannot do for themselves.
You can do too much for them that will cripple them, such as doing their laundry when they are already capable of doing their bed past age eight.
We want them to become the best they can be.
You will never know their language, unless you ask them!
Kids can say, I know you love me, but I don’t feel you love me.
Most of the time, these kids says, they wish they got help when they were stuck in something.... math problem, or a wagon got stuck, etc.. “I know you knew how to help me, but you didn’t.”
Loving service is not labor. It is an internal motivating desire to give ones energy to others . Loving service is a gift, not a necessity.
When parents serve their children with bitterness, resentment, the child’s physical needs may be met, but their emotional development can be hampered.
Stop and check if your daily acts of service are communicating love.
IF children grow in a family where they are served, they too will learn to serve as they grow.
Making requests is more soothing then commands.
Teach by example. Never show conditional love. It will teach children what’s in it for me?
Children will learn from you how to serve people.
If your child’s primary language is acts of service, they will most likely be asking you to fix something for them.
Be sensitive to their requests.
Serve your children and others and they will know you love them!
Ideas you can do:
-Help your child practice for their sports team.
-Sit down and help your child with computer problems
Occasionally wake up a bit earlier to make your kids a special breakfast.
-Begin teaching your child serving others together in the community or church ministry.
When running late somewhere, help you child finish, instead of telling them to hurry.
If they are sick, read them their favorite story, favorite snack.
Choose one area in which you determine to always serve your child above and beyond normal
expectations. ex: making sure there are always marshmallows in their hot chocolate, that their favorite teddy bear will always be in their bed. OR having all of their paint supplies ready when they are ready to paint.
-Start a birthday tradition, where you make your child any meal they want on their birthday.
-Make a list of your child’s favorite things they do with you and do one of their favorites when they least expect it.
-Work with your child with flashcards, etc until they are confident in their material.
-Assist your child in fixing a broken toy or bicycle.
-Simply taking the time communicates love to the child.
HOW TO DISCOVER YOUR CHILDS PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE
Speaking the five love languages with our children is important, and learning our childrens primary language is crucial.
How do we learn it? It takes time!
You might see clues, which love language speaks deeper to one, versus another.
It’s a process!
Kid’s primary language can change in adolescence.
It gives you the most effective means of communicating emotional love.
By nature kids are self-centered. They can manipulate you to buy something expensive saying their love language is gifts.
Watch your child, he most likely is speaking his or her love language. (in the language he wants to recieve love).
IF your 5-8 year old gives you words of appreciation "mommy your pretty, dad thanks for helping me, I love you mommy, have a good day dad". You can suspect that their primary love language is words of affirmation.
Observe how your child treats others. Is it bringing everyone gifts?
Listen to what your child requests often.
Notice what your child is mostly complaining about.
Every child complains here and there, but it will fall into a pattern.
Ideas you can do:
You can give your kids an option between 2 love languages:
Dad says, “Dear, I am getting off work early today, we can go to the gym together or we can go get you some new tennis shoes. Which on would you prefer?
Mom says" Daisy I have some extra time today, do you want to take the puppy to the park or I can help you study for the test. Which one do you prefer?"
Quality time vs Acts of service.
Keep a record of their choices to find a primary language.
"Would you want me to fix up some food or go out for pizza"?
Give choices, to do some research of what they will keep choosing
Observe how your child responds within 2 weeks.
If you have teenagers, you know that this job is like none other in the world.
A teenager that just grunts in this season may not be able to receive any love language but physical touch and only if your quick about it.
They are testing you to see if you really love them.
Learn to speak all 5 languages. WE will teach our children to love others in many ways.
DISCIPLINE AND THE LOVE LANGUAGES
In some homes, punishment is overused.
May parents assume that discipline and punishment are synonymous. Punishment is a type of discipline. Some parents who did not receive love from their parents tend to skip the importance of nurturing a child. They regard the main task of parenting to punishment.
TO be effective in discipline, parents must keep their child’s emotional tank filled with love.
Disciplining without love is like trying to run a machine without oil. It may appear working for a while, but will end in disaster.
Love looks out for the interests of others!
The more a child feels loved, the easier it is to discipline the child.
When the love tank is empty, it creates bitterness and resentment.
It is crucial that you love your child unconditionally.
Know and speak ALL the love languages! Then you will be able to discipline very effectively!
Kids can test our love by rebellion. If we answer in their primary love language, they will stop testing our love.
A child will not feel loved if we manage misbehavior only with punishment! A child, who misbehaves, has a need.
-You should ask, what does my child need? Does my child need his/her love tank filled?
-Particularly a cause of misbehavior is an empty tank.